Recently, I've been going through a period of awareness. I'm learning different things about myself, about my environment, and about how I interact within that environment and with others. If there is one thing that I am becoming increasingly aware of and extremely irritated with, it is the patriarchal society that pervades our culture, our minds, our bodies, and our interactions on a daily basis. I study anthropology so I am familiar with the concept on a more in depth than average level, especially after taking a class specifically focused on Globalization and women. I'm not a "man-hater" I just haven't been completely anesthetized or become completely apathetic to the nuances of this particular aspect of our culture. I love men, as I love most people. I think that the majority of them are so accustomed to their privilege that they are completely unaware when they are crossing lines and venturing into the depths of creepy or inappropriate behavior, especially when this privilege gets mixed with alcohol. I think there are simple concepts based around respect and equality that need to be reinstated into our culture and retire the patriarchy for good.
Let me give you an example of how the patriarchy has affected me recently:
I'm beginning graduate school in the fall and wanted to focus on getting prepared, and feeling like my entire life was going to change in just a few weeks, I decided I wasn't dating. Of course there isn't a flashing sign around my neck letting everyone know that if it came to romance, sex, or even attraction I didn't want to be bothered, and naturally I started to be more aware of lingering looks, outright stares and comments that I might have previously laughed off. I became more aware that certain people I considered myself to have a friendly relationship with, really wanted more and I started to wonder if I was doing something to encourage this. I was on the phone with a male friend of mine ranting about some of the ridiculous pick up lines and creepiness that I had been experiencing when I said something that completely changed the way we both experienced the context of the conversation:
Now for a little breakdown of the underlying meaning of the interaction. Three people are ultimately involved, the friend, the commenter, and myself and we are all acting within the context of the patriarchy.
The friend doesn't condone the lude comment but he agrees immediately and without really contemplating anything that I might want to alter my behavior to keep such things from happening again. He then realizes his own participation in the patriarchy heightening his awareness of how this poses a problem. I consider this friend a fellow feminist, I'm pretty sure he does too.
The commenter thinks it is okay to make a lude comment to me because we are friendly and I've accepted compliments from him before. After the offending remark was spoken, he realized that he overstepped a boundary with this particular "compliment" though at first he didn't realize that what he is saying is creepy, inappropriate, and offensive until I responded with a shocked, annoyed, and likely hostile stare and he actually recoiled away from where I was sitting and asked if I was okay. To which I responded thinking pick your battles, "I'm fine".
As for myself, I regret that when he asked me if I was alright that I didn't say something but brushed it off instead. It really bothered me and the friendly relationship we once had is now uncomfortable. I'm affected by the patriarchy because I immediately think to myself, "my shorts are too short", "I'm too flirty" and start rationalizing his behavior in the context of my own responsibility. It was memorial day weekend, it was hot, and I'd been at the beach all day, so I was wearing shorts. I'm tall and have long legs and this makes shorts, that are already cut ridiculously short to begin with, look even shorter. The fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter what I was wearing, or that I didn't get mad at him that one time he called me sexy, what he said offended me. I have the right to be offended and I didn't do anything wrong. Period.
Too many women are creeped out and offended by comments and brush it off, don't say anything, and pretend to be okay with it. You don't have to be okay with it just because it's built into our culture. Our culture can adapt and we will all be better for it. I'm a feminist and I have zero problems identifying as such. I admire men and women who are equally proud to admit that they believe in equality and respect for women, the mothers of children, the daughters of men. I encourage everyone to pay attention to the ways in which the patriarchy affects you, affects your sisters, girlfriends, mothers, aunts, cousins and friends. The more aware we are the easier it will be to bring about positive change.
I worry that my shorts are too short when it's near 100 degrees because I don't want to be objectified #patriarchyproblems
Let me give you an example of how the patriarchy has affected me recently:
Me: I know that my personality can come off like I am flirting but I'm not. This guy has told me I look nice and given me compliments before, and I always thought that it was harmless and we had a friendly relationship but that comment crossed the line. I mean really, looking all foxy with your thighs out? That just sounds creepy.
Friend: Yeah, that was nuts.
Me: I mean really, I'm not wearing shorts so you can oggle my legs dude. I always see him out and talk to him, I thought we were friendly and that he knew that I'm not interested in him like that.
Friend: Maybe he doesn't think that, maybe he thinks he has a chance.
Me: Maybe. I don't know. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and maybe I am too flirty and everyone takes it the wrong way. Maybe that's why I had problems with my ex. I know it's just my personality because I love to talk to people but maybe I should stop talking to guys and be more reserved around them.
Friend: Yeah, maybe you should.
*Moment of silence in which I realize something very important*
Me: No, fuck that. I shouldn't have to change the way I talk to men just because they are men. I shouldn't have to alter my personality, if I want to smile and laugh and talk with people I'm going to. I really interact with both men and women the same way and I don't want to be subdued.
Friend: Right...you are totally right. It's the patriarchy.
Both: THE PATRIARCHY (it's a habit of ours to exclaim this already)
Now for a little breakdown of the underlying meaning of the interaction. Three people are ultimately involved, the friend, the commenter, and myself and we are all acting within the context of the patriarchy.
The friend doesn't condone the lude comment but he agrees immediately and without really contemplating anything that I might want to alter my behavior to keep such things from happening again. He then realizes his own participation in the patriarchy heightening his awareness of how this poses a problem. I consider this friend a fellow feminist, I'm pretty sure he does too.
The commenter thinks it is okay to make a lude comment to me because we are friendly and I've accepted compliments from him before. After the offending remark was spoken, he realized that he overstepped a boundary with this particular "compliment" though at first he didn't realize that what he is saying is creepy, inappropriate, and offensive until I responded with a shocked, annoyed, and likely hostile stare and he actually recoiled away from where I was sitting and asked if I was okay. To which I responded thinking pick your battles, "I'm fine".
As for myself, I regret that when he asked me if I was alright that I didn't say something but brushed it off instead. It really bothered me and the friendly relationship we once had is now uncomfortable. I'm affected by the patriarchy because I immediately think to myself, "my shorts are too short", "I'm too flirty" and start rationalizing his behavior in the context of my own responsibility. It was memorial day weekend, it was hot, and I'd been at the beach all day, so I was wearing shorts. I'm tall and have long legs and this makes shorts, that are already cut ridiculously short to begin with, look even shorter. The fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter what I was wearing, or that I didn't get mad at him that one time he called me sexy, what he said offended me. I have the right to be offended and I didn't do anything wrong. Period.
Too many women are creeped out and offended by comments and brush it off, don't say anything, and pretend to be okay with it. You don't have to be okay with it just because it's built into our culture. Our culture can adapt and we will all be better for it. I'm a feminist and I have zero problems identifying as such. I admire men and women who are equally proud to admit that they believe in equality and respect for women, the mothers of children, the daughters of men. I encourage everyone to pay attention to the ways in which the patriarchy affects you, affects your sisters, girlfriends, mothers, aunts, cousins and friends. The more aware we are the easier it will be to bring about positive change.
I worry that my shorts are too short when it's near 100 degrees because I don't want to be objectified #patriarchyproblems
