Recently, I've been going through a period of awareness. I'm learning different things about myself, about my environment, and about how I interact within that environment and with others. If there is one thing that I am becoming increasingly aware of and extremely irritated with, it is the patriarchal society that pervades our culture, our minds, our bodies, and our interactions on a daily basis. I study anthropology so I am familiar with the concept on a more in depth than average level, especially after taking a class specifically focused on Globalization and women. I'm not a "man-hater" I just haven't been completely anesthetized or become completely apathetic to the nuances of this particular aspect of our culture. I love men, as I love most people. I think that the majority of them are so accustomed to their privilege that they are completely unaware when they are crossing lines and venturing into the depths of creepy or inappropriate behavior, especially when this privilege gets mixed with alcohol. I think there are simple concepts based around respect and equality that need to be reinstated into our culture and retire the patriarchy for good.
Let me give you an example of how the patriarchy has affected me recently:
I'm beginning graduate school in the fall and wanted to focus on getting prepared, and feeling like my entire life was going to change in just a few weeks, I decided I wasn't dating. Of course there isn't a flashing sign around my neck letting everyone know that if it came to romance, sex, or even attraction I didn't want to be bothered, and naturally I started to be more aware of lingering looks, outright stares and comments that I might have previously laughed off. I became more aware that certain people I considered myself to have a friendly relationship with, really wanted more and I started to wonder if I was doing something to encourage this. I was on the phone with a male friend of mine ranting about some of the ridiculous pick up lines and creepiness that I had been experiencing when I said something that completely changed the way we both experienced the context of the conversation:
Now for a little breakdown of the underlying meaning of the interaction. Three people are ultimately involved, the friend, the commenter, and myself and we are all acting within the context of the patriarchy.
The friend doesn't condone the lude comment but he agrees immediately and without really contemplating anything that I might want to alter my behavior to keep such things from happening again. He then realizes his own participation in the patriarchy heightening his awareness of how this poses a problem. I consider this friend a fellow feminist, I'm pretty sure he does too.
The commenter thinks it is okay to make a lude comment to me because we are friendly and I've accepted compliments from him before. After the offending remark was spoken, he realized that he overstepped a boundary with this particular "compliment" though at first he didn't realize that what he is saying is creepy, inappropriate, and offensive until I responded with a shocked, annoyed, and likely hostile stare and he actually recoiled away from where I was sitting and asked if I was okay. To which I responded thinking pick your battles, "I'm fine".
As for myself, I regret that when he asked me if I was alright that I didn't say something but brushed it off instead. It really bothered me and the friendly relationship we once had is now uncomfortable. I'm affected by the patriarchy because I immediately think to myself, "my shorts are too short", "I'm too flirty" and start rationalizing his behavior in the context of my own responsibility. It was memorial day weekend, it was hot, and I'd been at the beach all day, so I was wearing shorts. I'm tall and have long legs and this makes shorts, that are already cut ridiculously short to begin with, look even shorter. The fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter what I was wearing, or that I didn't get mad at him that one time he called me sexy, what he said offended me. I have the right to be offended and I didn't do anything wrong. Period.
Too many women are creeped out and offended by comments and brush it off, don't say anything, and pretend to be okay with it. You don't have to be okay with it just because it's built into our culture. Our culture can adapt and we will all be better for it. I'm a feminist and I have zero problems identifying as such. I admire men and women who are equally proud to admit that they believe in equality and respect for women, the mothers of children, the daughters of men. I encourage everyone to pay attention to the ways in which the patriarchy affects you, affects your sisters, girlfriends, mothers, aunts, cousins and friends. The more aware we are the easier it will be to bring about positive change.
I worry that my shorts are too short when it's near 100 degrees because I don't want to be objectified #patriarchyproblems
Let me give you an example of how the patriarchy has affected me recently:
Me: I know that my personality can come off like I am flirting but I'm not. This guy has told me I look nice and given me compliments before, and I always thought that it was harmless and we had a friendly relationship but that comment crossed the line. I mean really, looking all foxy with your thighs out? That just sounds creepy.
Friend: Yeah, that was nuts.
Me: I mean really, I'm not wearing shorts so you can oggle my legs dude. I always see him out and talk to him, I thought we were friendly and that he knew that I'm not interested in him like that.
Friend: Maybe he doesn't think that, maybe he thinks he has a chance.
Me: Maybe. I don't know. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and maybe I am too flirty and everyone takes it the wrong way. Maybe that's why I had problems with my ex. I know it's just my personality because I love to talk to people but maybe I should stop talking to guys and be more reserved around them.
Friend: Yeah, maybe you should.
*Moment of silence in which I realize something very important*
Me: No, fuck that. I shouldn't have to change the way I talk to men just because they are men. I shouldn't have to alter my personality, if I want to smile and laugh and talk with people I'm going to. I really interact with both men and women the same way and I don't want to be subdued.
Friend: Right...you are totally right. It's the patriarchy.
Both: THE PATRIARCHY (it's a habit of ours to exclaim this already)
Now for a little breakdown of the underlying meaning of the interaction. Three people are ultimately involved, the friend, the commenter, and myself and we are all acting within the context of the patriarchy.
The friend doesn't condone the lude comment but he agrees immediately and without really contemplating anything that I might want to alter my behavior to keep such things from happening again. He then realizes his own participation in the patriarchy heightening his awareness of how this poses a problem. I consider this friend a fellow feminist, I'm pretty sure he does too.
The commenter thinks it is okay to make a lude comment to me because we are friendly and I've accepted compliments from him before. After the offending remark was spoken, he realized that he overstepped a boundary with this particular "compliment" though at first he didn't realize that what he is saying is creepy, inappropriate, and offensive until I responded with a shocked, annoyed, and likely hostile stare and he actually recoiled away from where I was sitting and asked if I was okay. To which I responded thinking pick your battles, "I'm fine".
As for myself, I regret that when he asked me if I was alright that I didn't say something but brushed it off instead. It really bothered me and the friendly relationship we once had is now uncomfortable. I'm affected by the patriarchy because I immediately think to myself, "my shorts are too short", "I'm too flirty" and start rationalizing his behavior in the context of my own responsibility. It was memorial day weekend, it was hot, and I'd been at the beach all day, so I was wearing shorts. I'm tall and have long legs and this makes shorts, that are already cut ridiculously short to begin with, look even shorter. The fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter what I was wearing, or that I didn't get mad at him that one time he called me sexy, what he said offended me. I have the right to be offended and I didn't do anything wrong. Period.
Too many women are creeped out and offended by comments and brush it off, don't say anything, and pretend to be okay with it. You don't have to be okay with it just because it's built into our culture. Our culture can adapt and we will all be better for it. I'm a feminist and I have zero problems identifying as such. I admire men and women who are equally proud to admit that they believe in equality and respect for women, the mothers of children, the daughters of men. I encourage everyone to pay attention to the ways in which the patriarchy affects you, affects your sisters, girlfriends, mothers, aunts, cousins and friends. The more aware we are the easier it will be to bring about positive change.
I worry that my shorts are too short when it's near 100 degrees because I don't want to be objectified #patriarchyproblems
This isn't new and has been happening since Medieval times. Everyone, not just "pretty girls" is socially molested on some level every day by what you call "The Patriarchy." I think by using the behavior of a drunk male whose intentions may have always been dubious toward you, is a bit of a glib oversimplification. Somewhat coincidentally, I suppose, I have been discussing concepts of gender, sexuality, and self-identity with a number of people on social media and in "real life." I have posted a few academic papers I wrote on the subject as well.
ReplyDeleteI understand where you are coming from. Vara Neverow, a feminist and Virginia Woolf scholar, said of my Creative Master's Thesis, that it was, in a way, "Masculine Studies" in that I hoped to explore the very issues and situations you are describing from a slightly different position. Not one of brash, unaware, privilege, but from the members of a socially privileged gender who are also, to some extent, marginalized and victimized by it.
Here is an excerpt of the precise, which in all honesty I would write much differently today based upon a more evolved conception of the issues at hand:
"The title of my thesis will be American Bittersweet. Its dramatis personæ will be comprised, primarily, of contemporary suburban to semi-urban American males. I intend for these stories to be "masculine" in their focus and concern. That is to say: I intend for the writings to serve purposefully and specifically as explorations of the state-of-being of the modern American male. Simply put they are stories about men. The characters will represent a fairly homogeneous sub-section of 21st Century American society occupied by working-class, (probably) white, males between 20 and 40 years of age. Primary among the issues examined will be the difficulties these characters will face in connecting with family members, sexual partners and romantic interests, and each other. I hope to investigate how society-imposed expectations can lead to a deep sociological alienation, and how that schism becomes a deeper otherness for those affected. The goals and themes of the writing will not be, I think, dissimilar from those sometimes explored by Ernest Hemingway in his aptly titled short story collection "Men Without Women." In fact, I intend for the writings to communicate with the existing canon of masculine literature. However, unlike themes present in these and other past works of “masculine” focus there will be no men at war, nor bullfighting, nor other testosterone-driven content of the stereotypical type. In the rare occasion when manifestations of this type of masculinity will be present, it will be as a totem, or as the expression of a imposed standard against which the characters are compared. It is my goal to explore existing myths of manhood in hopes of replacing some of them with more realistic depictions of real humans. The characters in this collection will, if anything, suffer from confusion regarding self- and societally-imposed expectations of the so-called manliness that has affected the perceived male gender in generations prior, and where the characters find themselves in the changing continuum of a man’s role in American family and social structures"
Also, perhaps apropos is a paper I wrote about to role of The Pardoner in Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, you might also find interesting. He too is a victim of "The Patriarchy." Perhaps you will take the time to read it:
http://mgsivak2.blogspot.com/2014/08/medieval-queer-studies-pardoning.html
Cheers. I'm sorry your friend treated you like that. Society aside, it was dickish and I am sure disappointing to you to be treated that way by someone you to some extent cared about and who you expected to treat you with a certain level of respect.
I think to blame "The Patriarchy" for this person's words and actions takes accountability off him as an individual. He was someone you considered a friends, and he should not have acted that way toward you, hands down. I understand the society we live in and that the paradigm you describe is all too real. I have a number of close female friends, some who are very, very petite, who are regularly accosted on the street by strangers and who live in fear of aggressive male sexual behavior and/or advances. I also know that, Patriarchy notwithstanding, good people are out there. It just takes a level of astuteness and adroitness to seek them out and recognize them when you find them. And to keep them close once you have. Recently, I have been through a rough period. I learned the hard way which people I can truly count on as friends and which I could now. My good friend Steve Ross calls the latter type "terrible people." People who are really only using you for some personal reason, who are there when times are good, but don't stick by you when times are rough. (I am not discussing anyone "in the room" here.) I understand how much it hurts when someone you think is a decent person is really the terrible kind. I am actually a very caring person, I believe I have a good, big heart. Due to this I find I am as easy "mark" and am easily manipulatable by people who enjoy causing drama and/or behave in emotionally predacious ways. As a male, I have recently been used, emotionally and physically by women. I understand this is much, much, more the case with women being used and mistreated in similar ways by men. I feel lucky daily to not have to deal with it, actually. Right now, however, due to the situations I have been through, I feel like I am surrounded only by true friends I can really trust and rely on. Who really, truly care about me and expect nothing but mutual respect and support in return. It's great and it feels like love. None of us are perfect, and I personally have made many bad mistakes in the way I have treated people I cared a lot about, and have been mistreated by people I think cared about me. Shit happens. I only regret allowing people who clearly didn't care about me to hurt me. It sounds like this was the case with the guy you wrote this about. He was probably "after something" from the get go, or at any rate, didn't care about you as a person. That's not The Patriarchy at work. That's just a jerk. I hope from this lesson you don't demonize all men as being oblivious to the social construct. Doing so punishes the good men who are out there and lets the jerks off way too easy.
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